I'm in a cell with vaulted ceilings and it feels like I been beaten... beaten. I see a man who looks very grim looking down at me. My first reaction when they hit me is to try to defend myself, "do not hit me, don´t hit me." There are several persons who have beaten me, and then they have just thrown me there. Then he comes in and looks down at me, the grim man, with dark clothing.
He looks scary. They dragged me through corridors, held me in my arms and legs, I sprawled, and they have carried me through dark corridors. They have beaten me and then thrown me in here.
-What do they say to you?
Only words of abuse. The man standing in front of me is the interrogator. But he radiates such a mighty morality, moralism, icy morality, righteousness. I'm a moral reprehensible creature, and he stands for high morals, and he is so icy.
He stands looking down at me.
- What do you feel when he stands there coolly, looking down at you.
He tries to make me feel guilty, try blaming me by being moral, look at me in that way, he tries to blame me, that I should feel guilty for myself.
I think that I am a monk, I have one of those dresses, I have a long brown tunic. He who gives orders, he kicks me with one foot, the others are accounting for the physical punishment but he will break me mentally with his moral supremacy which he considers to possess. He is much more dangerous than they who hit me, he is very dangerous because he can take my heart, my soul from me; if he can make me believe that I am a heretic. If he makes me believe it he takes my soul away from me. The others can only take my body away from me, he wants to take my soul.
He wants me to renonunce ... that I will take back the true faith and recognize that I have had heresies. So he wants to take my soul, my soul, my soul that God has given me. He wants to take it away from me, he is dangerous, he is dangerous, he is so much more dangerous than those who beat me. They can just take my body. My body, I can leave my body. But they help each other, trying to break down my body and soul simultaneously. But I understand - that he is very dangerous.
My body, I can leave, but my soul? I can not leave my soul, I can not leave it from me, it´s me.
I must preserve my soul, my freedom in my soul, my freedom to think and believe what I believe.
I understand how they work, how they will beat me and then interrogate me and by torment destroy my body. Then they try to get my mind to give up. They cooperate with each other. It's very treacherous, very treacherous, they will loosen up my body and my soul with pain, and then he will - with his morality and his words - fool my soul to give up. They work from two directions, transform my soul and my body.
- And how are you going to work this out when you understand how this works?
I feel that I must be extremely on my guard, I must be on my guard, I have to ... I can not be too dazed by the torment and pain, I have to constantly keep a thought in my head that I did not give in to that man, the black man, for he wants my soul. He wants to take me soul, enslave my soul. I must be on my guard. I must accept everything, endure everything and not let his words seduce me. Do not be fooled into a trap.
He can also give me relief, he can offer relief, it´s the price of my soul. He can relive my bodily pains, it is the price of my soul. If I give my soul and recognizes myself as a heretic I can avoid these bodily torments. He can give ... even give my bodily freedom back but at the cost of my soul. I have to be ready all the time.
- What is it that enables you to keep you ready. What is the thought or feeling you use to not be misled by this man in black.
It is God, that is the truth, the truth I perceive, the God I experience. That is my truth, it means everything to me. It is my God. I adhere to my God, my God, as I see him, as I experience him as I see the truth, just have to keep at it, not lose God for a moment.
I must keep God in my hand all the time, like a child who goes with his mother to pull a rotten tooth out, who must keep his mother in his hand, never let go of the pain as it is to pull a tooth. The same way I keep God in hand, when they are destroying my body, abusing my body, smashing my body, scorching my body. Must keep God in my hand, must keep God in my hand all the time, must keep God in my hand ...
This dark man, he understands that he has not crushed me with what he's done so far. He must stretch me, I think he must stretch me. I must keep God in my hand. ,,
I think he must put me on the rack.
- And what happens then?
I think I can go outside my body, may be outside of my body and hear myself scream, see myself lying screaming, yelling, but I do not feel the pain, I do not feel the pain.
- If you are outside the body, the body looks agonized, what do you feel then?
A kind of triumph almost, I feel that my faith is getting stronger and stronger. The more they torment me, the stronger my faith. I will never renounce...
- And what happens then?
He's like a shadow behind when they stretch me. He asks me questions in between, if I take back my heretical teachings. But I just gets stronger and stronger the more he stretches me. I keep God in my hands. He thinks he is torturing me but I keep God in my hands ...
- And what happens then?
I scream that I can not endure any more, and they release me, they are not finished with me yet but they let me go for now. It is part of the torture that when I think I might be allowed to die they stop before, that I survive, get to live a while longer. They drag me back to my cell again and throw me in there again.
- And what happens to you then? What do you think what do you feel and experience?
It is very painful that ... it is a torture, I think I will die and then I do not reach death. It's very painful, very painful to think that liberation is so close but then I'm back again. They throw a bucket of water on me so I wake up, dragging me up and throw me in the cell, I will be there for a moment in peace.
But it's horrible, it's like that ... you can almost be executed, almost tortured to death, but you can not get the last, the liberation of death, and so it will all start all over again the next day or on another day.
And you become interrogated and allowed to enter a special room where you sit and get interrogated and somebody sitting and writing down everything you say, and so they try to trick you with a lot of questions. Then they can be really friendly, not friendly maybe but objective, they speak as they are trying to save your soul, that you will come back to the true faith.
And you will be saved and going to heaven and in the end receive God's forgiveness, remission if only you comes back to the true faith. And they do not want anything for you but to understand your own good and come back to the true faith, then everything will be fine.
Then you have to fight with words and your intellect instead. instead. All the while they constantly try to uncover ...I get some sense of falseness, falsity to myself. Somehow they make me feel false, that I am dishonest and false. That everything is false, that I´m lying here, everything is false.
- So tell me, how much of your soul did you give up, how much of them are inside you now?
A falsehood that has been sucked in, I've seen that I'm trying to gain some small advantage and that I´m not a hundred percent honest. I try to play their game to get a deal to have some kind of advantage, any benefit, because I'm scared too, Scared to death, afraid of being defeated. I'm afraid too. I'm afraid, and then I start to play a bit, in their game to get me some little respite, or any benefit and it makes me feel false.
- Hold that false safety feeling, because it may not be yours, it might be orchestrated out of them because they know that as soon as you feel the falsehood then you are curtailed. So take that feeling, if you´re afraid, obviously, there is no falsehood in it. You play along a little bit to gain advantages, but this feeling in you, the shame and all this, how much of your soul did they take and how much remains? They manipulated you forward, to break you. How much is left, how much is left as Svante?
I am so terribly afraid. I'm afraid so I shake ... when I think I´m about to die - and they give me life again - so I may live for a while longer, it gives me hope to survive again. And again I think I really should survive and the feeling is much stronger than it was before, and the fear of dying gets worse because there is hope, And I begin to compromise with myself, sell out myself.
Now - through putting me through life and death again and again - they get a hook in my heart, they get a grip on me, the hope of life and the fear that comes with the hope (shaking and shivering) leads me to sell out my soul in small pieces - leaving the victims in small portions - to sacrifice parts of what was my truth. It makes me feel so false, and it is so painful. I release parts of myself, of my truth to live a little longer.
- If we move on to the moment of death, you have bought some extra time.
It has become much harder to die now, it has become very difficult. Now it is much more difficult.
I´ve got a part of me that wants to renounce to avoid dying. So it's a tug of war within myself, a tug of war, a part of me just wants to live, willing to do anything to live. But other part of me just wants to die and it becomes a mighty tug of war within myself. I really have to clean my heart. Need to pray to God ...
I think I'm dying, I'm dying. That I die. I lie in a crypt. I see myself lying with my hands folded over my chest. Peaceful. I gravitate up against ... I need a lot of help, I need a lot of support when I get to heaven. I have gone through something terrible, I need for many to take care of me, put their hands on me, comfort me.
- What do you feel now?
I still feel the pain from life that I carry with me in in my heart, a pain. I would like to leave it.
- Leave it entirely for the the person who gave you this pain, this emotional pain, who you up to this impossible pain. Return it, return it, because it is not yours. It's yours, but you got it, you took it, you had no choice. Give it back.
I spread it out into the wind ...
- You have been so long with this tug of war in your mind. Release it. Drop it finally see who you are.
(... Breathe deeply)
- And let yourself be filled with light; let yourself bathe in the light, the light of God and let it flow into every cell, cleance every cell, from this feeling that was given you, of falsehood, this feeling to be wrong, that manipulated and darkened parts of your soul. But in the light there is no darkness. So drop it, let the light dissolve it. And rest in there for a while...
...
- Musings, thoughts or experiences?
I found it hard to really get into it and it is perhaps because it is so painful, but I understand torture mechanics, how to break down someone with torture, I understand how it works.
- Really, and it was apparentely so that your spirituality in some way was identified with certain doctrines and as long as it does then you are vulnerable. But spirituality is something beyond it. But the fact is they have cracked down on people all the time and I have seen it with you, your feeling of not being faithful to God and all that. And that is exactly what they wanted. But the doctrines have nothing to do with God. That a man should be degraded by such things, I mean, it would not be approved in a healthy court, least of all Gods court, so I certainly think you can drop it there.
Recorded by Svante Stål 2015-07-22
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